Acquaintances through the Net: Advices of the psychologist
I see the Internet like a huge net, seine. Like in the fairy tale about Fisherman and Fish. Having cast it in the communicatory sea you can catch all you want: furniture, video, convenience food and even your second half! What is most important is to understand what exactly fish we wanna catch. To do it you have to take the right net, spread it in the right place, choose the right bait, and when the fish is close – not to frighten it away and strike it in time.
To dispose yourself to reach the certain result is to make half the work. Usually people find what they seek. That’s why for a start we have to decide who and what for we are looking for. To make your search easier you should compose a list: what exactly is fundamentally important about the person we are looking for; what we can leave without attention and who has to be out of our way.
There can be a few variants of search: you can place your profile on a specialized dating site; you can leave comments to people whose profile you liked not laying out your profile and you can do both. The more important – HOW to do that!
When placing your profile, write about yourself briefly but informatively: describe your worth, interests, vital priorities. Your picture should be qualitative, large enough, necessarily new and close to original. Don’t lay out a pic somebody shot you when being in a flitting past helicopter while you were standing on the peak of a mountain. You will save your time and efforts if you itemize the features and habits that you don’t consider to be acceptable when it is about your possible contender in your profile. For example, some women write: “The married and drinkers, please, pass by my profile”.
If you decided to write somebody first, don’t send a faceless letter-blank. You better note what you liked in his (her) profile, what affected you, why you wanted to commune with him (her). But it’s not worthy to correspond too long or it can turn to a virtual love affair. You better get down to business.
Don’t leave your home telephone number to the first comer. It would be good to purchase one more mobile phone and use it only for talking to potential partners. It’s easier than changing home and mobile telephone numbers afterwards in case the communication will become too intrusive for you.
I guess there are a few reasons to speak by phone before meeting: first of all, to hear the voice of the converser; secondly, to class his (her) lexicon and ability to communicate. A friend of mine had been corresponding with a young man for about a week and everything went well before the moment he called to reach agreement as to a date. He inserted doubtful “shit” after every third word avoiding to use it in letters. It was a too crook in the lot for her ears and their meeting hadn’t taken place.
It’s a “big deal” to turn virtual relationships into real ones. Here can’t be minutiae. Among the most important questions there are the following: where to meet, what to put on, what to talk about and what to keep silent.
A little research, led by the author for writing of this article, found out that among 15 men 4 proposed to meet in metro (warmly, luminously, dryly and cheaply), 3 – in café, 3 – at restaurant, 1 – at night club, 2 – invited to their places, 2 – proposed to take a walk, 1 - was at a loss with the answer.
I guess to meet in metro to know each other better is simply ridiculous. No place to sit down unless to go for a drive in carriages, noisily, no chance to converse comfortably. Café, restaurant, night club – you are welcome. Walks are alright too if the weather allows. A piece of advice to girls: if a guy is at a loss with choice of the place to go or proposes to go somewhere you wouldn’t like to, Art Gallery can render a service. You are able to watch works of art, have a rest, if you are tired there are soft stools in halls. There are usually homelike cafés at places like that and they often are situated next to lovely parks.
It’s a bit risky to go on a visit to his place, in an unfamiliar company, in the country etc. for acquaintance. Not necessary something will happen to you but you should secure yourself just in case, that’s why choose crowded places, which you can leave anytime you want and where you can come back home from on your own. It won’t be superfluous to inform some of your friends or relatives who and where you are going to meet and leave the phone number of this person. Be on the safe side.
You should dress according to the place you are going. The clothes should be not only attractive but also comfortable so you feel yourself confidently.
The researches showed that the opinion about the person is formed during the first 15 seconds. As they say “we will never have the second chance to make the first impression”. Kindness, peacefulness, smile are what you need to come into contact and gain trust.
It’s not necessary to talk about your ex spouses and lovers, discuss your diseases; particularly consult as to your work problems, to get into religious disputes. It’s recommended to listen to as attentively as possible, ask leading questions. Be an active listener, from time to time give the cues “A-ha!”, “Yeah…”, “Really?”. Use one smart man’s rule “Find the subject he is interested in”. Then your converser will open up and the conversation will be genuine.
But if your company talks exclusively about himself (herself), about his (her) successes and achievements, it’s possible he (she) just expresses him(her)self at your expense, raises his (her) self appraisal.
If your company long and meticulously tells you about his (her) previous relationships, hassles with boss etc. it’s possible he (she) just compensates lack of communication and isn’t interested in your personality as such. One guy I had a date with, invited me at a restaurant but left the food almost untouched as he was acquainting me with the details of his relationships with his ex wife, divorce problems and his feelings as to all these that still took place. I understood that he had no aims except of wish to speak out.
At this stage it’s important to decide if you like the person you are communing, if you want any continuation with him (her) at this stage. If you didn’t like the person it would be better not to lie about “I’ll call you”, but confess that you had made the wrong choice.
If you liked the person but you are not able to understand what impression you made I can propose the following ways of solution: 1) before saying good-bye say “I liked you very much. I felt really good with you. I don’t know whether you liked me or not, but if you want to meet me one more time call or write me. I will be glad”. After that, waiting for the development of the situation is all you can do; 2) or “It was really interesting and pleasant with you. Maybe we could go somewhere together? Movie?.. (Theatre, walk)”. This variant is good cos the answer isn’t set aside for an uncertain term.
Unless the ordinary opinion that there is nothing easier than acquaintance through the Internet and that the communication of such kind isn’t burdensome, my personal experience let me make a conclusion that acquaintances through the Internet are, first of all, work. Correspondence, talks, appointments – all these requires certain self-feedback. A lot of people can’t then stop with these Internet acquaintances, can’t choose somebody one – what if tomorrow there will appear somebody better, prettier, smarter?..
Internet has become a part of culture in the modern society and the whole society is reflected in it like in a drop of water. There are both there: good and bad. The opinion that only losers, full of complexes, make acquaintances through the Internet is not actual any more. A lot of interesting, smart, decent, but single people can’t wait the second half because of the total busyness. And often dating sites are the only way out for them.
Of course, it’s much easier to get acquainted through the Internet than in reality. No need to go out somewhere, look for an appropriate object, think over what to say and how to go with. All the more so, the person you would like to get acquainted with can be married or just not in mood for contact. It’s easier in the Net: we write a letter or send a message to a person who has the same aims we have. But if you don’t find somebody you wanna meet for a certain period of time make two-three week break. For this period there will new people appear on sites and maybe you will feel the desire of new meetings.
Never say die if you don’t see the result at once. Remember, there are no failures, there is an experience. You should believe in your success and it will come like all miracles that happen to people who believe in them come. Isn’t it a miracle in a huge ocean to catch once the golden fish, which will tell you with a human voice: “I love you”…